


Mercury

by FaithWordBound (orphan_account)



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Clint is a drummer, M/M, Natasha Is a Good Bro, War Veteran Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-20
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-25 07:53:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7524574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/FaithWordBound
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story about love, music, and the ongoing recovery of Bucky Barnes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mercury

_But the rock cried out, I can’t hide you The rock cried out, I can’t hide you The rock cried out, I ain’t gonna hide you guy All along dem day I said, rock, what’s a matter with you rock? Don’t you see I need you, rock?_

**The sunset reminds me of Juniper, not that time when he came back to base from jogging all bloody and raw pink and spitting hot like a volcano, tripped over his own two clumsy feet halfway of taking off his kevlar, rarely ever saw that kid get flustered. Had a big purple bruise on his chin forming in seconds. You remember Private Juniper, would always come find us during some free time and talk about nothing but music; he didn’t have no one back home except his grandparents. Carried around torn pages of The Book of Judges in his kit for good luck, once scared the shit out of everyone when he dropped his voice and started telling the story of Gideon, would howl and growl and as if on cue the first mortar had hit at sundown. Reminded me of the times we would stay up all night telling ghost stories and couldn’t fall asleep until the sun was nearly coming up.**

**He was still as green as the day he first came to that hellhole in the end, don’t know how he** **did it. Saved us out there a few times on that night too, did you know that? He had luck like** **I had kills under my belt. But Jesus, this time was different because– because the sky had** **swallowed him whole.**

 **Got all of us in the desert, that damned sky. All that space and smoke and screams and** **nothing around that rock for miles and miles. It was like before they discovered the Earth** **was round, you know? It was only what they could see of the sky and land– that was all the** **world was to them. Didn’t know how someone could be so stupid but I understood it then.** **It was like being on another planet, with nothing but metal and blood and fire to keep it** **alive. In those hours there was nothing else that existed out there as far as we could see over** **the mountains. This was it. The line between two points. That flat piece of land and big,** **bleeding sun in the sky was all that mattered and all that ever was.**

 **That bruise was still there when he got himself blown up. It was a mess of colors against a** **backdrop of thick black, dusty brown, and raining silver– and that sky, man. Swirls of** **purple and red and yellow. He looked just like that sunset. When he looked up at me I** **knew what he was asking me for.**

 **I’m going to tell you something now because I know you blame yourself for what happened** **to me which is just plain dumb and not true.**

 

###

 

Soldier is sat by a window leaning over a crinkled paper in his lap, there’s a building right in front of his, he likes that about the city; all artificial lights and tall buildings and anonymity. Even more so when he didn’t need to leave his apartment. It is always a challenge– the first few weeks back he couldn’t even get his own groceries, now he can make it down a block or two.

Carefully, and somewhat awkwardly, he folds the paper one handed and stuffs it in his army jacket along with his phone.

Rubbing his left arm he locks the door and walks down the flight of stairs, keeping his head low and hair tucked under a navy colored cap the Soldier tries to remain in a good headspace.

This building is a lot nicer than what he grew up in, it makes him feel out of place sometimes but the security is good. The lobby has a clear, wide revolving door, it reminds him of the flying elevator in Willy Wonka. It doesn’t comfort him.

He nods at the doorman and pushes his way outside.

Soldier squeezes his eyes shut against the brightness, white dots fall in his vision like snow. A group of businessmen walk around him paying him no mind with all the skill of an upperclass New Yorker.

Blood rushes through his ears (or is it traffic) and every second that ticks by he’s finding it harder to breathe. He contemplates the thought of simply turning a few steps and walking right back in the building. He moves foward instead, head low and hands in his pocket. It gets hotter with every step, the sun licking hot waves against his back. A bead of sweat goes down his temple to his unshaven jaw. Soldier tries the breathing exercise he learned when he got back, counting the seconds of every inhale and exhale.

Passing people spare him a glance, nothing accusing or pitying in their eyes he tries to tell himself. Soldier’s heart tightens and so does the hand around the paper in his jacket. The walk to the VA takes only fifteen minutes, he’s five minutes in. He turns the corner and his shoulder is clipped, he looks up only to come face to face with open space. His knees buckle and sharp pain slices through his head, explosions and screams surround him.

His phone rings and the automated voice informs him of the caller, he ducks into an alley.

It’s cool and dark so he moves deeper in next to a dumpster. His phone stops and picks up again moments later, he answers.

“Where are you?” The voice on the line whispers, “I’ve been calling you all day and you haven’t answered.” It’s implied that he better well answer now and he’s too scared of the spy not to, her voice sounds half worried so he licks his lips and takes a deep inhale.

"My phone died.”

“That’s why they come with chargers, genius.” There are voices in the background he recognizes. "It’s about to start soon.” Spy says in a gentler voice. “Need me to come meet you and watch your six?”

“No. No, you do enough for me,“ he mumbles, remembering all the times she’s helped him since coming back to civilian life.

Soldier hears his voice then, asking her whose on the phone, a hot bile of shame rises in his throat. She easily evades the answer, a trick she probably picked up long before her recent special ops training, and the background noises eventually become muted. "Someone can’t stop talking about you,” a teasing lilt to her tone then, "are you gonna make it this time, sarge?”

He checks his watch, still eight minutes left. If he came late… “yeah. Yeah, I’ll be there in time.”

There’s a beat before she says, voice hoarse, “I think he knows what you did in Kandahar. Put together at least some of it,” the Spy adds quickly. “He told me– only me and how much he misses you. I–”

“It’s fine,” he interrupts, completely snapped to attention now. Hope spurs fleetingly in his chest that he still wanted to get in touch after a year of dodging and evading his attempts to contact him. “Was planning on telling him the whole story eventually.” He chuckles halfheartedly.

“He won’t think any differently of you.” Soldier says nothing. “He's been talking non-stop about you in the whole month he’s gotten back.” He knows this, and is forever grateful to her for not giving the other man his location.

“No one would care if you actually came and…and talked for once. You did what you had to do. I would have done the same.”

“Yeah, _you_ would have. Not many else though. Not like that.”

“I know. But, you also know what I mean.”

He knows this as well; it’s why they get along. They were too good at what they did on the frontline. Since he’s been back he never found anything, sometimes he thinks the only thing he’s good at is killing, but he never wants to pick up another gun in his life again.

 

###

 

**I had a bounty over my head on that rock, knew because I was good at certain things I'm not proud of anymore. I wasn’t bothered, there was a target on all our backs every day.**

**Remember that song I kept humming that drove you crazy? Well, one day long before you got there the colonel made a visit, all clean cut and menacing. Patrolled up and down the mountain with us barking (I say, who’s that writin’?) and we’d chant back (John the Revelator) it was a hell of a way to keep up morale but we loved it. He’s a good man, thank God he made it out alive, seemed like the only higher up who cared about us. I’d be humming that song well into the hours some of the village kids that bothered us did too, made me laugh. Until, that is, when Brock (asshole that he was) had to go and ruin it by waking everyone up screaming one day, still half asleep himself babbling about government conspiracies and survival of the fittest. That song took on a chilier note in that last month, like we knew what was coming.**

**It all got to me before you were stationed there, and that was alright only because you weren’t there with me. You hadn’t been on the frontline during the times it got really bad, you came in and did what you had to do and that was good. Made me feel good. I did things you wouldn’t have done yourself. Out of the two of us you always had your head up, but I didn’t have my hopes high on making it out alive. You were so ready to go and serve your country and the little guy just like your dad. And me? I would’ve followed you anywhere. If this were a different time I thought they would have a better chance drafting me than signing up voluntarily, but you were serious about it and I would’ve followed you anywhere you wanted me. I did. I didn’t have or wanted nothing else.**

**Not knowing who was on our side and who wasn’t stretched thin. Procedure was that we couldn’t take anyone out unless they tried to take you out first. Fucking politics– but you wouldn’t agree with me, you were so much better at this aspect than me. I was trained to kill and you to save. I know you’re a good man. But, for me….hell with politics; it’s okay for the enemy to blow your buddy sky high or take your arm but you better not break procedure or you’ll be in some deep shit. I think that’s how they got me. One moment I’m asking the shop owner which way the insurgent went and next thing I got a bag over my head that smelled like sweat and gunpowder.**

**The thread on the cloth was worn enough that I could still make out the moon glowing above me. I was so sure the night was coming to suck me in, like the darkness in the half opened closet when we told those ghost stories. Your ma told us if we cut on the lights one more time she was unscrewing all the lightbulbs, so we pulled your curtains back and the moon kept us company. Now it’s following me. Closing in like the black bag over my face. All I could think about was where were you? Are you hurt? Are you safe? Dead? You were patrolling last I heard, you and a couple of other guys got held up to treat some kids who got seriously burned cooking.**

**How did they get so close to the base and who fucked up so bad? Did someone betray us? I ended up breathing through my mouth because the smell was so fucking bad. I couldn’t throw up. They would’ve let me choke on my own vomit just as a starter to what they were probably about to do to me.**

**War ends the same for a lot of us eventually. One day you’re shooting at bad guys and the next something happens– could be a child casualty or flying shrapnel or news from home, and you don’t know whose what anymore. And that’s the thing, see? After a while there’s no reason anymore, you’re not fighting for your country or your family or your dog, it’s just trying to kill some guy before he kills you.**

**And that’s when the colonel’s voice started in my head, that god damn song on rotation until I laughed and got roughed up for it. Hell, it didn’t matter. The revelator had finally come for me.**

 

###

 

The soldier moves quickly– he keeps his head low– but he moves all the same.

 

###

 

**Then in some twisted cosmic joke another mortar came down and hit us too close.**

**My ears were ringing and I couldn’t see, the world was as black and empty as the bag slipping off my head into the night sky. Pain white hot like the stars seeped into my bones, temperature dropped like a shooting star. And then I didn’t feel nothing but I could see waves of red.**

**I got dragged up onto my feet by my team, don’t know if it was me or the ground that had been shaking so bad, shouting and gunshots and a mix of languages. Another explosion went off so close I almost lost my balance. Didn’t notice the state of myself at first, I was running on adrenaline, didn’t feel nothing but pissed off.**

 

###

 

_Then the loud sound did seem to fade Came back like a slow voice on a wave of sound That weren’t no D.J. that was hazy cosmic jive_

 

###

 

He doesn’t need to hear the lyrics to know it’s Starman drifting out of the VA building. He doesn’t step in right away, just paces around in lazy circles wearing down the green patch of grass on the lawn. Starman was one of their favorites, they'd lay in the grass on the Fourth of July eating hot dogs while he listened to his best friend point out the constellations. Fuck, he doesn’t think he even felt this nervous in war, his sniper’s calm has deserted him when he needs it most.

The song fades and a new one starts up. Soldier steps in cautiously.

The room is round and as comfortably lit as it can be for vets, a small stage filled with several instruments take up the left side of the room. There are dozens of tables and chairs opposite the stage and a refreshment corner on the far wall. He spots his counselor talking to a few guys, he heads in the opposite direction, not yet ready to answer why he’s missed the last two sessions.

_No one can unring this bell, Unsound this alarm, unbreak my heart new. God knows, I am dissonance Waiting to be swiftly pulled into tune._

###

 

**How can I dance with one arm? Keep balance? March and hold my rifle. Left, right, left. Shuffle my feet and clap my hands while you look on at me like I was doing magic? Wrap my arms around your waist to keep myself steady when I kiss you? Must have left the other one out there in someone’s jacket pocket with the moon, payment for the things I did. It didn't matter anymore. It didn't matter.**

**And then there you were coming up the hill like you just traveled from a whole other dimension and brought the sun with you, shining behind your golden head like a halo and eyes as blue as the sky.**

**Damn, it hurt to look at you. You thought the blood on me was all my own. No one who had been with me– who’d seen what I did –told you any different when you assumed it was. You looked unharmed and that was all that mattered. But Jesus, he was just a kid no older than Juniper.**

**Everyone thought I was going to bleed out on that rock, didn’t say ot but I could see it in their eyes. The last thing I would have seen was you leaning over me. Honest to God, it was my own private piece of heaven. If I knew I would have made it out alive I hate that I wouldn’t be on my knees asking for forgiveness right now, I’d be facing down hell again with a smile side by side with you.**

**And it feels strange to admit I want that burden back…but underneath it all, what I really know is…I want to deserve it…somehow. To look up at the sky, at my brothers, and you– and dance like I used to.**

 

###

 

_I’ll go anywhere you want, Anywhere you want, Anywhere you want me._

Not for the first (and definitely not the last) time he thinks of backing out. No one would notice or care, Soldier tells himself.

_I know the further I go, The harder I try, only keeps my eyes closed. And somehow I’ve fallen in love With this middle ground at the cost of my soul._

 

###

 

“Hey, Sarge,” he spins around at the famiilar voice, with her is her boyfriend and the only person who was a good a shot as him. “We’re glad you could finally make it.” Spy talks while signing for their friend, his hearing aid no doubt turned lower than usual in this sort of environment.

“Was sure you’d drag me in a body bag if I didn’t.” It surprises him how easily the words come out.

She smirks. “You’re going to leave in one if you don’t participate in the cha-cha slide to Stayin’ Alive that’s coming up next.”

“…are you serious.” He opts to sign one handed instead of speak, the thought too ridiculous to believe. 

“That big fucking bomb made me death, but I think I heard some sass in you.” the sniper says. “You have to do it, it's customary. So…hey man, this is for you, courtesy of Guitars for Vets.” He thrusts it out to him by the neck.

Soldier gives him a dead-eye stare for a few seconds in a way only a Sergeant can before blurting, “what the ever loving fuck am I going to do with a guitar, dumbass.”

“What am I going to do with it? Did'ja hear me just say I’m fucking completely _deaf_ in one ear. That, and I’m musically inclined, shitface.”

That startles a laugh out of the Soldier and he’s being pulled into hugs by his two friends.

"Is this our version of dad jokes?" Spy arches her brow. "If so, let's not."

“Heads up,” Sniper whispers to him, “your boy is approaching and I gotta get ready to go tear it up on the drums.”

_Yet I know, if I stepped aside, Released the controls, you would open my eyes. That somehow, all of this mess Is just an attempt to know the worth of my life…_

Soldier pulls back and waves his friends while subtly checking the three exits.

The Soldier doesn’t see any change in the man since he last saw him, other than him making Captain shortly after Soldier left. He looks good.

“Hey.”

“Hey," Soldier repeats, nodding at the others' suit. "Nice candy.”

Cap groans and looks away, a blush spreading across his cheeks. “Well…I was _told_ we had to dress up in our monkey suits.”

“It’s a rock show not Shakespeare,” Soldier chuckles. “You deserve it,” he touches the other man’s arm, just a brush but completely genuine.

Cap becomes even redder and smiles shyly. “So do you.”

“Well…”

There’s an awkward but expected pause in the conversation.

_…made of precious metals, Precious metals, Precious metals inside._

“The first band is about to come on in five minutes, only been practicing a few months but I heard they were pretty good.” He leans away towards the small corner of a wall with an empty table, eyes trained on the Soldier’s. “Wanna join me?”

“Yeah. Okay.”

_I’ll go anywhere you want me._

**Author's Note:**

> This story is loosely inspired by a conversation I had with a friend and also the wonderful Not Easily Conquered series which everyone should read if you haven't! 
> 
> Music: Sinnerman- Nina Simone.  
> Starman- David Bowie  
> Mercury- Sleeping at Last.
> 
> Juniper was part of the original Howling Commandos and was the first of them and the first of any Marvel character to die, Fury was still affected by it years later. He did carry around the Book of Judges, it's symbolic for good luck among soldiers.
> 
> Steve is a combat medic idk I just thought it fit him.
> 
> The Colonel in my story is actually Nick Fury, the image of him singing a gospel song about the end of times with an eyepatch on just stuck with me.
> 
> Any and all mistakes mine!


End file.
